I was physically, mentally and sexually abused when I was a child.
Sexually by my house help when I was 3. I didn’t even know that it was a form of abuse. He used to thrust his penis inside my mouth and touch his penis to my vagina. I couldn’t tell this to anyone. My mother didn’t even let me speak in front of her.
I was abused by my tuition teacher when I was 10. He was 50. He used to grope my breasts. I didn’t know it was a form of abuse. All I felt was immense pain. Again I couldn’t speak about it to anyone.
The most hurtful form of abuse came from my mother. She would beat me, insult me, call me names( I was nicknamed a ‘randi’ which is prostitute in Hindi). At times she would beat me baldy eenoughto scar my skin. She has banged my head on the wall a several times. She has even tried to throttle my neck a numerous times. Ever since childhood, she has been degrading me and telling me about how I have an ugly face and am short at manners.
But the most horrifying childhood memory comes from the fact that she used to grope my breasts. I was 9 or 10 at that time and had just started growing breasts. She would grope them all the time in anger and told me that she wants to split them into pieces my means of a blade. She always pointed to them about how disgusting they are and how I should die in shame because I had breasts at 10. She told me that I would probably be sleeping around with guys and that’s why I have breasts( this was when I was 11) I didn’t have a boyfriend then and didn’t even talk to boys because even if I took a boy’s name at home, my mother would later abuse me my saying …… se chudwa kar aayi ho( So, you have been fucked by that guy)
I started my periods pretty early and that was the biggest nightmare of my life. My mother would always call me names and tell me that girls who think about guys all the time have periods at such a young age. I had a hormonal disorder since the time I first got my periods but she never took the pains to take me to a gynaec on grounds of the reason that she would think I am pregnant. I was too young to understand these things then.
If I missed a period, she would doubt that I had sex with my house help. This was when I was 16.
She would repeatedly tell me that she would give me a deep injury in such a place that I would not be able to tell anyone.
These things never stopped. The physical abuse came to a halt when I left home for college at 20. But the verbal abuse continues till date. She has been telling me so many times throughout these years about how girls like me deserve to be raped and burnt alive.
It aches until now when I think of this. I have a younger sister too and thankfully she is not subjected to the physical abuse as much as I was. However, she has her fair share of verbal abuse.
I am studying medicine right now. I am a topper in my college. I am a part time blogger who writes articles for random beauty blogs over the Internet. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me to bits.
I have still not recovered from those scars. In India, child abuse is a big issue. And that too, if it comes from your own mother, it would be the most difficult thing for you to report.
It aches me till date. I have seemingly developed a lot of psychological issues due to my bruised childhood. It aches when I see the loving relationship between other girls and their moms.
I couldn’t tell all this even to my father. He knows that my mom used to beat me when I was young but doesn’t know the details. My dad always had a strained relationship with my mom. I have always seen them fighting. And my mom said that because your father fights with me, therefore I beat you and abuse you.
I didn’t even tell this to my boyfriend. He knows I have a disturbing relationship with my mom. But I have never gone into the details even with him
This is the first time I am opening about this. May be, this heals me as writing always give me happiness.
I hate her. I have always hated her. I swear not to be a mother like her.
Edit 1- She is my own mother, unfortunately.